Thursday, March 09, 2006

I'd Like To Thank The Academy

*Gordy rides to the podium on a unicycle.*

"Ahem, (in a low whisper) I'd like to thank the Academy for inventing the category 'Best Bald Actor Who Never Wears a Rug and Still Rides a Bicycle to the Set' for without this my pathetic ability to act the same regardless of what character the scene requires (winks at Nick Cage), I'd never have won..." (he looks squarely at the camera and begins to appear as if his having a schizophrenic break down as his face twists and wrinkles under his beard.)

"Now just wait a minute. Screw yoose guys." (he drops the trophy on the stage and proceeds to unzip and withdraws the original Wizzinator™ in a flesh tone not even close to his untanned pale head. He proceeds to yell "Fire!" and "Gotta put it out!" and making siren like sounds as his left arm makes circles over his head all while still balancing on the unicycle. Meanwhile the unseen container drains blue liquid reminiscent of either windshield washer fluid or possibly 'blueberry' Gatorade™ through the Wizzinator™ onto the discarded trophy.)

Gasps and yells are heard like 'Dude!' and 'Go! Go! Go' as well as 'Get him off the stage now' rain down from the audience.

Before the blue stream can stop, two scrawny guys shove Gordy backwards into a wheelchair and grab the unicycle, trophy and now the wheel worthy bald guy and hustle him offstage.

HBO continues to broadcast it all on-line while only an edited version goes over cable and in fact covers the janitorial staff mopping up instead of the montage perspective on the acting career of Juniper in the Finnlander Chronicles which her loving spouse had filmed in a trilogy over 17 years. It will be used as a physics tutorial as well as in the definitive rock music history primer for the next seven decades in up to 57 countries. Surprisingly, it contains no references to the Beatles, nor any of their members who have lapsed into obscurity.

Gordy is never heard from again, as little over a week later it is announced he has passed away from complications from a urinary tract infection and acute silicone poisoning.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I Can Hardly Wait


I can hardly wait to have my elbow clipped by some soccer mom , mascara applying, cell phone talking, mocha drinking and all while drive one of these suckers.

Lord, I need oil prices to get auto fuel up to $17 a gallon a lot faster.